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I hear my name,
I hear the trash you're talking,
In your sleep, the secrets that you're keeping,
A chick, this smart,
Did you really think you could keep her in the dark?

Does she purr?
Does she make it hard,
Hard to speak?
Does she dress the part?
I'm sure she'll take some getting used to,
Darlin she won't ever be me

I've felt the bite, take a spit,
Suck the poison out of me,
I'll make ya beg, make ya come,
To your senses if you keep,
Up the shit, take the hit,
Dig the grave,
This is how it goes down,
This is how it goes down
Gonna run, gonna scream,
Gonna crawl round on your knees,
When you realize that no one's
gonna measure up to me,
Doesn't matter cause I'm over it now,
This is how it goes down,
This is how it goes down

I'm gonna rage,
Stay out really late,
I'm gonna hang, with all my friends you hate,
I may try that three-some,
Better late than never,
And better without you

This is your future as I see it,
You will be homeless, bald and broken,
She will have left you when she
finds out who you are,
You're nothing but an extra,
and baby I'm the star

I've felt the bite, take a spit,
Suck the poison out of me,
I'll make ya beg, make ya come,
To your senses if you keep,
Up the shit, take the hit,
Dig the grave,
This is how it goes down,
This is how it goes down
Gonna run, gonna scream,
Gonna crawl round on your knees,
When you realize that no one's
gonna measure up to me,
Doesn't matter cause I'm over it now,
This is how it goes down,
This is how it goes down

Somebody doesn't like you
cause you're not such a big shot dude,
You might wanna rethink it through,
You should've asked me I
would've told you the truth

7:16am: Desi just called.. THEY FOUND ETHAN A HEART!!! She said they just got the page and hes being prepped for surgery. I'm so excited and happy for them that i could cry. Praying to God this all goes well! Praying he doesn't reject the heart and that he can accept it, get better and they can come home!! I have to stop here, i'm on the verge of tears. PLEASE pray for Ethan and his family!!! Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Stay strong baby!

So i said in a previous entry that i wanted to keep writing... And then i disappeared for two months. Ha. Sorry about that. Life has been a giant tornado filled with shit as of late.. And i'm just along for the ride, trying to manage.

Did i ever tell you guys about Ethan? I've been gone so long that i can't even remember. Ethan is Desiraes son.. (I know i wrote a blog with pictures about him at some point).. And his heart problem took a turn for the worse a few months ago. They were in and out of hospitals for a long time and now they're stuck up in the St.Louis Childrens Hospital. The poor thing (not to mention his family) has been dealing with a roller coaster as far as his health goes. They were put on a heart transplant list and they're now playing the waiting game. Its already been.. what.. Two months? And not much has changed. Just waiting.. And waiting.. And waiting...

We didnt get to spend Xmas time with them this year, and it really, really, REALLY sucks. Lexie always gets so excited to go over there around Christmas time.. And this would be Ethans very first. I couldnt afford much but i got him a few things, Desirae too, and it just sucks that they're stuck in a hospital 500 miles away and i cant just go up there and visit.

Or can i?

We had planned to take a road trip ("we" being my mom, Lex, Eric and myself) up to St.Louis to visit them for a weekend. We were aiming for the weekend of the 16th.. But now due to some unforeseen money issues, we may not be able to. I haven't talked to Des so i haven't even told her. I'm so heartbroken... Blah.

It always seems that when my life goes to shit, it REALLY goes to shit. One thing cant go wrong.. When something goes wrong, EVERYTHING goes wrong. Wah wah, woe is me.

So anyways, thats some of what i'm dealing with now. I was so excited to go up there, and now we might not be able to. :/ I'm so sad, i can't even begin to tell you...

Desirae was my bestfriend for the longest time. We were connected at the hip. I knew EVERYTHING about her, and she knew everything about me. We didnt do a single thing without eachother. Long story short, i fucked up and made some childish mistakes quite a few years ago, and everything fell apart. I've actually struggled to deal with it all of these years. She was the biggest part of my life, and heart, for the LONGEST time, and then one day... She was gone. Just like that. Everything was gone. No more laughing at the same movies we've watched over a million times, no more shopping together, no more holidays or sleepovers.. It was just all gone. So when we discussed us coming up there to visit, she just seemed so happy. And we talked about our past the other day.. About how things went to hell and how we missed eachother. And we talked about doing things together when they got home. It felt SO good. I had hoped and wished and prayed for SO long to hear something even close to that. I'm sure it sounds like i was in love with her, haha, but you just would have had to know us back then for it to make sense. I have to find a way to get up there. I HAVE to. Not only to see them and visit Ethan, but for the small glimmer of hope that we can start over with our friendship. I've longed for it SO long and its finally within reach.. I just have to fix everything thats broken in the past few days to make it work.

So now what? Now i pray. I pray and hope and TRY to make this work. My finances suddenly fell into the crapper and i have to fix it. I don't know how, honestly, but i WILL make this work. I have to go up there. I have to see the sweetest little boy in the whole world. I HAVE to hug Desi. I HAVE to.

For my sanity. For my heart. I have to.

Anyway, whew, i totally fell off the bandwagon back there and just kept going. Haha. Sorry about that. I'm sure that was a total wall of text that made absolutely no sense. It would to her, i'm sure, but i doubt it would to anyone else. So yeah.. sorry. I didnt intend for this to be so incredibly long, or to just be about them.. I wanted to update you on other aspects of my life, but i suppose that can wait.

Heres to a new year. To new beginnings and to a start at a new life. And heres to writing more and making more coherent blogs. Haha. I hope you all had awesome holidays. I'll end this with a few pictures of the precious boy Ethan. (Click to enlarge) Please keep him and his family in your prayers. They need all the prayers and good wishes/vibes that they can get. I'll write more soon. Take care guys!

Being called stupid really hurts.

I mean really.. Really hurts.

And it wouldn't matter, at all really, if you weren't so important to me. But coming from you? Wow. Talk about a heart breaker.

What a shitty month.






Orgy - "Blue Monday"

How does it feel to treat me like you do
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me
How do I feel tell me now
How do I feel

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do

Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

I see ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how should I feel

Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
While I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
when your heart grows cold

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do

Fair warning beforehand; I highly doubt this will make sense to anyone other than myself. Its one of those pouryourheartoutwithwordsthatprobablydontmakesense type of blogs. Yeah. I'll try to make a more coherent one when i don't feel so shitty.






I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest...

Again.

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I can't look forward to anything because it ALWAYS falls apart.. I can't plan for anything because.. Well.. As i already said, it ALWAYS falls apart. Yeah yeah, woe is me.

I feel like nothing ever works out for me.. And i just don't know what to do anymore. I'm a huge dreamer, yes.. But i'm also realistic and grounded. I don't dream about things that i know will never happen. They always have to have some substance.. Some... Staying power. Does that make sense? I don't know. I'm rambling. You'll have to excuse me if this doesn't make sense.. I'm in such a horrible rut right now, and i really don't know what to do.

The past month has been really hard for me. Lexie was gone for almost two full weeks (shes never gone that long).. She stayed with her dad all of last week and part of the week before, and before that she was with Des. I missed her so much that my heart literally ached. Shes always been with me since the day she was born. Sure shes done the weekends and holidays with the other part of her family, but that just seemed like such a heartbreakingly long and horrible time.

And then Matt was sick.. The guy i talk to almost every night (with the slight, every-once-in-awhile exception).. And he was gone pretty much the ENTIRE time Lex was gone. I was losing my mind. You remember Matt, don't you? Bestfriend, always there for me, always picking me up when i'm down.. Yeah. Him. And that entire situation is another blog entirely. Good Lord, talk about being complex.

And now here i am today.. Just... A mess. I truly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like regardless of which way i turn, i'm ALWAYS going to hit a brick wall.. I guess its always been that way for me. Or atleast, it feels like it has.

Why do things always have to be so damn complicated? Can't ANYTHING be fucking easy? Why does it always seem like the world has to fucking STOP for anything to go right for me? And as we all know, the world never does stop. It keeps going.. And going.. And going. Where does this leave me? I don't know. What am i going to do? I wish i knew. Am i being a big emo cry baby? Probably. Lord knows i've been on the verge of tears for the past two hours (atleast).

I don't know... I guess i'm just in a really lonely place right now. I'm tired of fighting with him, i'm tired of always arguing, i'm tired of being disappointed, i'm tired of being heartbroken and i'm especially tired of things falling apart right in my face. Can't something just go right? Anything? Just once?

God help me..

I think i'm going to lose my mind if something doesn't give.





Velvet Revolver - "Fall To Pieces"

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

Hey guys. I know it's been absolutely forever since i've updated, and i apologize. I contemplated for a long time if i'd keep this blog or not. A LOT of things have changed in my life and i wasn't sure i'd still have time to write. However, after thinking it over, i've decided i do want (and need) this blog. Its my outlet.. My way to vent and go crazy without interfering with anything or anyone else. So here i am. ;)

I'd imagine a lot of my Affiliates/Loves have dropped me, and i completely understand. After all its been about three months since i've updated. I'll be going through my list and seeing who i need to delete here in a few moments. To those of you who stuck it out.. Thanks. It means a lot.

So much has changed in my life.. But right now i'm going to work on getting this updated. I've completely changed the layout. Anyone have an opinion on it? Criticism is always welcome.. I could use some constructive feedback.

I hope you are all doing FANTASTICAL! I miss you a bunch. I'll probably update in an hour or two, once i've settled down, and let you know whats new with me.. And rant and rave about a few things. Well... take care guys and talk to you soon.

Song of the moment: Blink 182 - "I miss you"

(I miss you miss you)

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

I miss you miss you
I miss you miss you
I miss you miss you
I miss you miss you
I miss you miss you
I miss you miss you

Calling all mommy bloggers! Let me ask you something. Are you tired of working 9 to 5 and never having any money left over for yourself? Do you always find yourself giving your spare money to your husband or dishing it out at the store for toys just because the kids were being good? Do you wish you had a little more cash for yourself? Do you have a blog? Would you like to get paid for blogging?

Yes, we did just play 21 questions, but i think its important. Now, brace yourself, i'm about to tell you about something pretty amazing. I'm currently part of a website who pays you to blog. And its so incredibly simple. Do you really think I, of all people, would be part of it if it were insanely difficult?

If getting paid to blog sounds like a good idea to you, then check out SocialSpark. Once there, sign up for the mailing list so you can join as soon as its public.

We all blog anyway, don't we? And wouldn't we all like a little extra cash for ourselves or to save for something (or someone) special? Once you have your account, you'll register your blog, get approved, and then you can start checking out the opportunities for some extra cash! It couldn't be any easier.

If you decide to check out SocialSpark, let me know! I'd love to check out your profile and add you as a friend! So what are you waiting for? Go sign up!

I think i'll be cutting down my affiliates list soon.

It has nothing to do with you guys personally, but i do sometimes feel like i got the bad part of the bargain, so to speak.

Some of you i've commented multiple times and NEVER received a response back. I like having some sort of relationship with my affiliates. Your link isn't there just to be there; Its there because i enjoy your site and like reading it and i enjoy speaking with you. But the feeling isnt mutual.

I speak to a few of you on a pretty regular basis, and i love you guys! So dont sweat it, you know who you are.

To the rest.. Nice knowing you and good luck in the future. :)

Are you a fan of Cirque Du Soleil? How about magic? Well, what if you combined the two and had the option to go see it live? This is exactly what has happened with the Cirque Du Soleil and Criss Angel show titled "CRISS ANGEL Believe".

As i'm sure most of you know, Criss Angel is an American Illusionist and Musician, among other things. He was raised in New York and has performed many of his public stunts there. He also has a self titled A&E television show called "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" which as of July 23rd 2008, will be in its fifth season.

Today you can find Criss Angel at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Inside the Luxor Gallerie, you can find the Criss Angel Mindfreak production office as well as the Merchandise Store. This is also the location for CRISS ANGEL Believe.

The title of this show came from none other than an inspiration from Harry Houdini. On Houdini's death bed, he told his wife that if some people are able to communicate with him, there would be a code word that they could tell her. And that word was "Believe." As a dedication to Houdini, Criss Angel chose the word "Believe" for this live show.

CRISS ANGEL Believe will begin on September 1st, Friday through Tuesday with no shows on Wednesdays or Thursdays. But be forewarned, this show is not for the faint of heart! Children under the age of 12 must be with an adult and children under the age of 5 will not be allowed to enter the theater.

Tickets wont put a hole in your pocket, either. There are some from as low as $59 and others as high as $150. However, if you're low on cash don't fret. You can enter to win two tickets to CRISS ANGEL Believe simply by texting the word "Believe" to 221122.

Don't miss your chance to see a truly one of a kind show.

My family and I may be moving soon. We thought about moving back to the previous place we lived, into a town home, but we don't care for the area and the fact that its only a two bedroom. The upside to it is theres an upstairs area with a bathroom and bedroom.. Everything else is downstairs. But we argued about who would get the upstairs area.

We've discussed trying to find a house.. But with the small PC area we have to work with, its going to be difficult. My mom is so picky its incredible. But i guess we'll see how that works out.

I haven't been on much lately, but i should be on more often as of this week.

A quick shout out to my affiliates.. Especially the ones who actually read and comment my blog. Love you guys. I'll visit you soon.. And i hope all is well with you.

Take care. x